But most importantly, I came to the realization for the first time that I fit here. I'm not talking about fitting in the same way an eighth grade student worries about fitting in when moving to a new school in January. So far I have not had someone knock the books out of my hand, or throw food at me in the cafeteria, or the myriad of other immature issues that middle and high school students face in this day and time. The fitting-in that I am talking about, though, can be just as frightening for an adult. It is the fitting-in that can cause us to stress out and break down...
It is the fear of self-doubt.
As I sat in the midst of my colleagues over the first couple of days, I truly felt like the dumbest person here. While that sounds strong, when compared to the thought process of other students that I was seeing in lectures and discussions, I doubted whether I had the knowledge and aptitude to claim a spot as a James Madison Fellow. I knew that I could survive the four weeks, enjoy my time, and learn a couple of things new, while in the process earning some credits towards my Masters, but something inside me insisted that I am not of the level of my fellow students. These feelings were compounded by the fact that I had little to contribute today.
But at lunch, and then after dinner, sitting at the philosopher's table at the Epicurean (okay, so while sitting at the bar with a beer in hand), I realized that many of us had the same thoughts. The very guy that I listened to in small group and thought, "man, he knows what he is talking about" admitted that he told his wife after the first day that he was in over his head. As we discussed this more and more, we realized that, to quote FDR, "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself." There are days that each of us will feel ultra-prepared and days that each of us will feel ill-prepared. For some of us, the ill days will outnumber the ultra days. But that does not mean we do not belong. We are each here to further our education so that we can pass on our newly acquired knowledge to the students we will teach down the road.
If I feel like I don't know up from down when reading one of the many early colonial documents that are on our plate, I can't allow doubt to have the opportunity to creep up. I have to bolster that with a desire to learn and educate myself through the discussions going on around me. And there will be a time in which my contribution will be that bolster for my neighbor.
In the end, every single one of us belong here, as we were chosen by the Foundation to be here. To doubt that we deserve it, or that we can't handle it, is to tell the Foundation that they made a poor choice. I'm not ready to concede that...
MEET THE FELLOWS: Stu Wexler is a published author and AP Government teacher (among other subjects) from New Jersey. He is a basketball coach, and organized the first basketball game of the 2012 James Madison Summer Institute. Upon first meeting Stu, it would be easy to say that Stu may have a bit of a Napoleon complex, as he is slightly vertically challenged. However, that assessment would be dead wrong. Stu doesn't put on airs to over-compensate. He is a true competitor and is passionate in his pursuits. He is truly a giant in that regard, and I'm sure that his students are inspired by his devotion.
Never doubt your abilities. You are there to learn, to reflect, to grow. Through doing each of these you will contribute to the benefit of yourself and others. You are a FELLOW. Thanks for allowing us to be a small part of your wonderful opportunity.
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